Rewrite Postpartum: The Toll of Pregnancy

By Gabi Parra

I'm not really sure where to begin with my story.

I found out I was pregnant 3 months into my pregnancy.

I was still grieving the loss of a long-term relationship, I had put my trust into the wrong people who took advantage of me and emptied my savings. I'd just quit my job and started up classes to pursue my dreams of becoming an interior designer. My life felt upside down and scary.

Once reality set in that I was pregnant I canceled my classes, reached out to a dear friend and began working for him. Things started to not feel AS scary knowing I was picking myself back up. My heart was so full knowing I was going to be a mama. I always wanted kids, I dreamed of a big family since I was small. I was adopted as a baby and grew up a single child. I always felt out of place and alone growing up. Now I was pregnant and already felt love like I've never experienced before. It was so exhilarating yet foreign to me. Excited to see my baby at my first ultrasound I remember driving to Stanford with all the windows down singing love songs at the top of my lungs, thinking this is It! I get to see the love of my life for the first time, my heart was the fullest it had ever felt!

That ultrasound changed so many things for me. The doctor told me there was something wrong with my pregnancy, I was told my son either had Down syndrome or some other major health issues but I was never given any definitive answers as to what exactly was wrong. After that it was test after test, I was later diagnosed with cholestasis and preeclampsia. As the pregnancy progressed I felt more and more sick, more anxious about my baby's life. Not knowing what to expect, not having support. I felt like I was drowning, everything was scary and new.

My adoptive parents had no experience with pregnancy, they made me feel guilty for being able to get pregnant. My partner at the time (unbeknownst to me) was smoking heroin and was unable to support me emotionally or physically. On January 30th, 2017 after a long day of work I went to my normal 35 week check up. My Dr. Took my vitals and immediately told me to go home grab my hospital bag and head to the hospital to get induced. She told me there was a chance of a still birth if we didn't act quickly. Panicked I raced home grabbed my bag and went to pick up my partner before heading to the hospital. Talk about anxiety. Every part of me was shaking from the moment I stepped into that hospital until I delivered the next afternoon. The delivery was so smooth, five big pushes and my sweet boy was in my arms. My heart just exploded, no other way to describe it. I didn't want to separate from him for a second! Everything seemed normal! He came out looking like me, a thick head of hair, perfect little nose. I remember holding him thanking my angels for giving me a beautiful healthy boy.

We stayed another 48 hours at the hospital until my vitals were normal and baby had all his check ups. My partner was in and out the whole time and made me go get the car while he held the baby outside. Felt good to have my body to myself again! I was getting the hang of being a new mama, the pain was there, my body looked stretched out and foreign but emotionally I felt overwhelming happiness and love.

Three days after coming home I got a phone call from UCSF Benioff hospital for Children, they said the newborn screening results had come in and my son has Cystic Fibrosis. I had never heard of it, so as soon as I got off the phone I Googled it. First thing I saw was "life expectancy of 15yrs". My heart dropped, my anxiety reached an all time high, I remember falling to the ground shaking. The first year of his life my anxiety, depression, guilt was never ending. I didn't know anyone with this condition, I didn't have any mommy friends to talk to about what I'm going through just being a new mama, my partner was living on his own and rarely around. I felt isolated. I didn't know what post partum depression was. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to protect my son from the world. I now am a proud mama of 3 healthy boys - my oldest is now 5! He is living his best life, doing breathing treatments everyday and showing CF he's in control of his life NOT this disease.

One major take away from my pregnancies is that PPD is real, I dismissed it the first two pregnancies attributing my feelings to the guilt I carried from my oldest's diagnosis. I have suffered emotionally more and more with each child. Crippling anxiety, severe depression, poor body image, low self worth. Nobody ever talks about the toll pregnancy takes on every mama, not just physically. It's so important to find support, to talk to other mama's, remember to still do things for yourself and let the women around you know they're not alone.

I've learned so many beautiful lessons with each pregnancy. Life will happen the way it is meant to happen, stressing out over the "what ifs" just takes you out of the present moment. I've learned to cherish the journey; the highs and the lows, to roll with the punches. I am learning to be kind to myself, to embrace my new body, knowing it allowed me to give life to my best friends.

Motherhood is hard, every mama is a warrior in my eyes. It fills my heart seeing platforms like this for woman to share their stories. Thank you❤

Gabi's story is part of our Rewrite Postpartum series. To share your own story, use the button below.

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